A call boy's experinece, up to a point.

20.8.06

I'm Not Plotting Anything, I Swear

Aside from the fact that I’ve had to deal with the fallout from hookus-interruptus, my huffed issue with the pedantic, toddling maneuvers of my current lifestyle is the fact that I don’t have the time or energy left to read anything engrossing: after work and the gym (the gym, the gym, the gym: at this point, I look at it like money in the bank) I’m spent, and vocabulary-less. Text just swims like ancient hieroglyphs -- I can’t dredge up the effort to translate it; and this, I’m beginning to realize, is tantamount to a cardinal sin, because I feel guilty all the time.

When I was speaking with my mother the other day, and the conversation turned to how I felt about my life presently, what came out of my mouth was “I don’t have enough time for books”, in a kind of sad, depressive capitulation.

She looked at me with concern. “You’re really not one to get energy just from doing something for the sake of doing it, are you?”

I’m unsure of how to take that; or what it means about how she sees my character. Whatever she suspects about how I’ve made money to live in the past (I get the impression that she thinks I was a drug dealer for a time) she does like the idea of me aspiring to something in the field I work at now, and that I would be quite good at it. (I have no doubt I would be good at it, but fear that I may have to seek serious psychoactive medication to keep it up for the length of a career.) Mind you, she also doesn’t want me to peruse it here: she’d much rather I was doing it back home, even though she’s polite enough not to say. She at once was pleased and concerned to hear my dissatisfaction, and I was acutely aware through the affection of our visit that she worries. “Paychecks are nice,” she reminded me, at one point. I know that she can sense when I’m turning over an idea that I’m not prepared to share with her.

What she doesn’t know is that I keep staring at that XXX on the calendar, or what exactly I can exchange for reading time.